A Week Later

It's been about a week since my miscarriage started, and I just wanted to post a little update on how we're doing.

First of all, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love and prayers everyone has sent my way - comments, emails, tweets, Facebook messages, text messages, phone calls, care packages at my front door. Thank you so much. You'll never know how much it all meant to me and Levi. It has helped so much. In ways that I didn't know it could. As soon as I pressed "publish" on my post, I felt immediate relief. There's something about getting things off my chest that helps me. Hearing stories from those of you who have gone through the same thing helped a lot too. There's something really isolating and almost shameful about a miscarriage. It made me feel inadequate as a woman. I know I'm not, but that's still how I felt.

Once the miscarriage was completely over, I started to feel a little bit better. I felt like I was carrying death around inside of me, and it really weighed heavily on my heart. I just wanted to get the whole thing over with. I feel really fortunate that I was able to miscarry naturally. I don't think I could have handled surgery since I really wasn't fit to be around people all week. I'm still not quite there. I wish I could wear a little sign around my neck telling people not to mind me because I'm grieving. That's one of the benefits of older social customs like wearing all black while in mourning... southern California doesn't really observe many social customs.

The thing that offered me the most comfort was how many people told me I would see my baby in heaven. It made me feel better to know that so many people believed my baby's very short life still counted, that she still had a soul and God still acknowledged her. One of the first things I pictured after this realization was Levi's mom holding our baby and loving her in heaven. She's the first grandchild Julee gets to meet. There's something really sweet and comforting about that.

Levi and I decided to name our baby. From the second we found out I was pregnant, we were both convinced our baby was a girl, so we named her Poppy.

(image by i.Anton on Flickr)

We're going to keep the little bunny we bought for her so that we have a physical reminder of our little Poppy.

Poppy's bunny:

Again, thank you so much for all your support during this difficult time. I know this post was mostly rambling, but that's about all I'm good for right now. I'm also really good for watching The Big Bang Theory, eating horrible food, and not washing my hair. ;) We're starting to reestablish a routine, and I'm starting to heal. I'll have a few good hours, then it will all come back and smack me in the face. I'm sure it will be like this for awhile. I feel so fortunate to go through this all with Levi by my side. His first response when I told him we were losing our baby was to lay down and weep with me - heavy, heart-wrenching sobs. It was awful and horrible and painful, but this is what going through life together is all about. This has brought us even closer together, and I love him more now than I ever have before. As Levi told me this week, "I'd rather lose a baby with [him] than have one with anyone else."

God is giving me hope that our next pregnancy will result in a healthy, happy, perfect little baby, and that's what I'm going to hold onto right now.

My Miscarriage

I had a miscarriage this week. And it was devastating. We hadn't even known I was pregnant for very long, but it still tore both our hearts apart. I can't help but feel that I did something wrong, that I caused this to happen. I can't help but feel that it isn't fair. I can't help but feel that nothing good can ever happen to me without something horrible happening first. And this was truly horrible. To go from total joy to total despair is an absolute nightmare. I couldn't even believe I was pregnant in the first place, then to have it ripped away from me... I don't even know what to say. Every time I felt a cramp and every time I saw the blood were fresh, constant reminders that my body was taking my baby away from me.

And now I'm really scared to get pregnant again. I'm scared that I'll have to live this nightmare again. I'm angry that my joy will be tainted next time because I know what can happen. I know what this loss feels like.

The day Levi and I found out I was pregnant, we went shopping and bought a little stuffed bunny for our baby. I keep picking up the little bunny and rubbing it against my face, holding it to my chest. My heart is broken, and I don't know what to do. I feel empty and hollow and overwhelmed by grief. I know that it will get better, but right now, it's awful, and I'm just really really sad.

Wolfie's Dedication

A couple weeks ago, Wolfie was dedicated at my brother and sister-in-law's church. We all went to watch. He's such a little grownup man now!

(That little stinker loves beards. The pastor tried to move his hand away while he prayed, but Wolfie was very persistent so it stayed.)

I love that sweet little boy.

Our Anniversary

Levi and I celebrated our one-year wedding anniversary two weeks ago. We spent the day in LA doing a few of our favorite things.

Our day started with the drive to LA... obviously. Levi had put together a special playlist to listen to on the way, full of "our songs."

While in the car, we played the read-all-the-fake-names-on-the-sample-stationery-in-the-paper-source-catalogue game. For some reason, that always cracks me up. Sometimes, I'm very easily amused.

Our first stop was the Abbot Kinney Intelligentsia for macchiatos and pistachio lemon cake.

I always feel like such a dork taking photos in there because it's always so full of hipsters. Highlight of our Intelligentsia stop: seeing Kevin's mom from Wonder Years. I recognized her in an instant!

After breakfast, we wandered in and out of shops on Abbot Kinney.

They have some really awesome shops. We had so much fun looking at books, baby stuff for Wolfie, stationery, Swedish stuff, and vintage furniture. I love window shopping... almost as much as real shopping.

By the time we were done looking in shops, we were both starving, so we headed to our next stop: Beverly Hills. We had to pick up some macarons. Of course! We saved them for later and ate at a really yummy pizza place on Beverly. Then we browsed the newsstand and peeked in Anthropologie.

(That's Levi demonstrating that he can walk with a bag in his hand without swinging it. I never let him hold bags of fragile food because he's a notorious arm swinger.)

Next on the agenda was a movie at the Landmark. We had been dying to see Carnage, but our Fandango tickets didn't work for the Landmark, and I didn't want to spend the money, so we ended up laying around on some benches in the lobby for awhile instead. Levi ran to the bathroom, leaving me on the bench, browsing through books on my Amazon app. It's funny how many strangers want to come up and chat with you when you're lounging on a bench.

When Levi came back, a man walked by and said we were "art directed within an inch of our lives" and that he needed to take a picture. Haha!

Since our movie plans were delayed (we ended up seeing the movie later in the week - it was so good. I highly recommend it.), we were at a loss for what to do with ourselves, so we headed over to Culver City for a snack. We went to L'Epicerie Market and feasted on a very strange and random snack of baguette, coffee, bananas, and the best roasted potatoes in the world.

By the time we finished, it was dark. I still didn't really want to go home so we headed back to Abbot Kinney and ended up meeting a really nice man named Reggie. He was living through a really difficult time so we chatted with him for awhile. When we parted ways, I hugged him. That's how awesome Reggie was.

We couldn't think of anything else to do, so we just headed home. It was kinda cool that the only thing we did on our second Abbot Kinney stop was chat with a man named Reggie. I thought it was a good way to end our anniversary. :)

Recipe: Mexican Pie

Do you ever make something for dinner and think, "My future children are going to LOVE nights when I make this"?

This is one of those recipes: mexican pie.

It's certainly not the most attractive dish (especially when it's photographed in my ugly, yellowy-beige kitchen), but it's very delicious and decadent... and easy to make!

Here's the recipe:

Ingredients:

1 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil

about a pound of chicken breast

salt & pepper

1.5 cups store-bought salsa verde

3/4 cup ricotta cheese

4 large flour tortillas (cut into wedges for a square dish; circles for a pie dish)

3 cups raw baby spinach

2 cups shredded pepper jack cheese

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 450.

2. The recipe says to cook the chicken in a large skillet with the olive oil, then shred. However, I actually cook the chicken in the crockpot because it falls apart when it's done, and I think it tastes better. Crockpot directions: add chicken breast to crockpot. Season liberally with salt, pepper, and chili powder. Cover with warm water. Turn the crockpot on low, and cook for about 6 hours. If you're using really thick chicken breasts, it may take 8 hours. Really thin, pounded breasts take 5-6 hours. If you want it to cook faster, put it on high for about 4 hours. The high heat just makes a bit drier and tougher. When done, shred and set aside. You can prepare this ahead of time and keep it covered in the refrigerator if you'd like.

3. Whisk together ricotta and salsa verde. Season with salt and pepper (I find this step unnecessary). In a greased 9-inch square baking dish (I use a pie dish), layer a tortilla, 1/3 of the chicken, salsa verde mixture, spinach, and cheese (in that order). Add a tortilla, and repeat twice more. Save some of the cheese to top the final tortilla. I'm only able to get two layers, so I don't use as much cheese (I do load on the chicken and spinach though).

4. Bake until golden brown, about 15-20 minutes. Let stand for 10 minutes before serving.

*You can also add other vegetables if you'd like.

**Vegetarians, try subbing beans for the chicken.